Let Me Entertain You!

It’s been a while since I came back to my blog (Rabayl thank you for reminding I had one). Some how the month of May has usually been very eventful for me, I fell in love for the first time in May (or may be it was second time no no fifth I guess, well not important), I broke my neck in May, did my first ever hunger strike in May etc. and now had interesting interaction on TV in May.

As it is my obsession with TV can never end and having a few spicy things happen here and there keep me fueled enough to watch more TV. Couple of days backs my friend Faisal and I got into a discussion regarding media responsibility and how so many people are out there to change the face of our country and not make money, and the impact of pointing of the fingers. As it happens I unknowingly sent an emotional email thinking it will only go to him but it went to his whole mailing list and to top that he replied to that email on his show “Ankahi” on live national TV saying that he is washing his “Damman” (clothes could be the closest translation I could come up with) and since it is very dirty it will take time to clean, well I do my laundry at home but that’s just me.

Moving on this was not as exciting as the other adventure I had with TV, soon after the first anniversary of May 12 and the break up of Zardari Sharif (I love the way how GEO puts it) and further price hike the jazba of doing something came back but as always I got stuck on the same old point “do what?” I am doing charity (as much as I can afford may be more), I am trying to convey messages of positivity and good to young and old, I am stretching my physical financial capacity but nothing seems to be fulfilling. So I went into an analysis and realized that in recent history of our country three things took the nation by storm (and I mean not the positive storm like “Sarmad has taken the world by storm” this storm is like the one in Burma these days). Those three are terrorism, lawyers and media. Since the first two are consolidated in the third one more like the first two are bullets and the third is the gun. So to better understand things I started to again watch all the talk shows without any bias. While I was about digest the bombs another bomb fell on me.

There is a show called “Begum Nawazish Ali” now just to give you a background from the day one I had a principle difference against the show so I never watched it, lost respect of those who came as guests etc. I am not saying I am right or wrong it was just a personal difference. To my luck due to a team commitment and for promoting something I was to be a guest on that show I tried to say no but couldn’t be a spoiled sport at the last minute. So I consulted one of my teachers who is a 40 something Irish dude and he said that “have supper with the devil if it helps your cause”. So with that justification in mind I went.

I won’t get into the details of how it started or what I said or did not say on the show, however, when I left Karachi and was on a plane back home, I realized that I have finally found that one honest show in Pakistani media. Why do I say that? The host is not a woman but dresses like one AND THE AUDIENCE KNOWS THAT. The host is vulgar AND THE AUDIENCE KNOWS THAT. The host is asking direct nonsense questions AND THE AUDIENCE KNOWS THAT. The host is not making any claims to change the world but only claiming to entertain AND HE IS DOING THAT AND AUDIENCE KNOWS THAT. The social contribution or passing of valuable information is only by chance or a wind fall effect AND AUDIENCE EXPECTS THAT. The host is there to make money for the entertainment he provides AND HE IS DOING THAT AND EVERYONE KNOWS THAT.

During such confused state of affairs in our media I found it be most transparent show, whilst while watching any other talk show may it be a women targeted morning show or political show or any other at the end one cannot help but be confused what this messiah exactly wants. Vanity comes across but is not accepted, all the discussion at the end of the day either ends up in cheap entertainment or boring nothings. What ever good comes out of those is only by chance and a wind fall effect. No wonder Begum is one of the most popular shows in Pakistan and India (my differences prevail).

Not being judgmental but in a business where you wear make up is called show business and show business is at its best when it is entertaining. And may be our audience is not as stupid as we might think of them to be. Its just that only Begum had the courage.

E-TV!!!

It is not E-TV as in E-mail, E-card or E-transaction or lots of other Es that we are surrounded by. This is my wish come true, it has not been even a month since my first blog “Television! Television! Television!” was written and E-published (on places where only I read them), it seems that my dearest president of Pakistan his highness Mr. Musharaf not only read it, but took E-action and imposed the E-mergency. And all my nagging complaints were put to rest.

E-TV is great everyone loves everyone, a lot of progress in our country especially in Punjab is highlighted, and most importantly it covers the truth. No seriously the exact words are “We don’t break the news. We cover the truth” imagine! I love the long term vision of E-TV it is very simple yet deep, convert I-diots to E-diots (I know it sounds more like converting a Mac user to a Vista user which is not easy by any means). But this is the challenge and I have full faith in my Leader that he will succeed, because he is not throwing punches in the air like most of the I-diots, he has a complete plan laid out. A plan that has no grey areas either you’re an “I” or an “E”. If you choose to remain an “I” your plugs will be pulled no one will know why or where you are acting funny since E-TV will be covering the truth. And temptation to convert is so E-conomic that it only makes sense to do so.

Hopefully all the I-diots will realize that in these dangerous times they had I-nstigated so much of chaos that E-mergency was the only thing left for the president and his entourage to stay E-conomically safe. And I am sure most of the I-diots would have done the same if they had the power. With time things change and change is I-nconvenient, it is time to sign the E-paper to run the E-comerce and become an EEEEEEEEWW (the last two “Ws” where a typo).

IS-ing my Face!

Moving on I was guessing that my TV was the only irritating mode of communication at hand (no I haven’t bought a new TV or a contract with any network). Severely overrated social life that I have these days “Facebook” has turned out to be nuisance as well specially from the day I installed it on my Blackberry. Now imagine this I am sitting in front of my TV (you know how sad that is) and my berry goes ‘ping’ ‘ping’ breaks my concentration and no matter how hard I resist I do pick it up thinking that some thing exciting is about to happen but guess what I see is “XYZ is scratching his butt”.

Now this should be enough to just uninstall the application put in a good DVD with beautiful women and simply watch more TV. Sounds so simple right? but it is easier said than done. Once I read a status update by any of my friends I feel it my obligation to come up with a more creative (or sick) update for myself. Otherwise imagine the public humiliation that “Sarmad updated his status 8 hrs ago”. 8 hrs is a lifetime if my friends came to know that I had no contact with internet for this long my life is over. So I start to think as creatively as I can, but guess what nothing that I have not read on others profile comes to mind. Stage 2 is to think of good quotes by famous people and give them a “IS” twist but when you are updating your status every couple of hours and not reading any new books you run out of such quotes. Then comes the stage 3 ok now quickly put in a CD of some alternative singer that most of the people in my friends list don’t listen to and try “IS-ing” a verse or a lyric, occasionally it works. But when it does not than the going gets tough and extreme measures such as expletives, signs, symbols come to rescue.

This doesn’t end here it is a ‘never ending’ struggle (like the never ending movie quiz) to stay on top. Though there are no rewards and Facebook wasn’t something I looked up for it just popped up in my email one day and now it is gradually taking over. It’s a war of egos everyone watching everyone. It was never suppose to be MY war but like most wars I am fighting it day in and out without ever knowing why.

Television! Television! Television!

So jumbled up looking at and looking for so many things (consciously or unconsciously), that are not worth the effort. I think I need to get rid of my TV it is taking up too much of my brain power and with sun setting before I wrap up my work rolling out on the streets with Thakur is also restricted to weekends only.

Why is my TV to blame? for one it is too old and I don’t like the look of it anymore and while watching it I concentrate more on its colors, brightness and contrast hoping to find a fault (which I usually do) than the shows. If god forbid I do start watching a show especially on a local channel than I cannot stop hating myself enough. Not because of the sad state of affairs but simply because I am not on them. Trust me it is not easy being an attention seeking narcissistic it is a severe condition and I don’t like being on this side of the TV. Stupid people making fun of stupid people is just so simple and easy if Hamid Mir, Talat, Lucman etc. (Faisal just because you are a friend I am leaving you out of this for now and no you are not part of etc.:)) can do it so can I, and on many levels I am sure I am more stupid than them hence I am sure I can do a better job. Networks somehow just don’t seem to get it maybe I should go through proper channel i.e. intelligence agencies but they scare me for obvious reasons Intelligence can abuse stupidity. A stupid him/her (ahm trying to be gender sensitive here) without realizing can be very lethal. Anyways that was not something that I was looking for when I bought my (now haggard) big screen. I bought it to watch beautiful women on a larger scale, fast cars on a larger scale and play video games (involving beautiful women and fast cars) on a larger scale but I am not doing any of it (well almost I know what you are thinking but you are wrong).

So the TV I bought six years ago is not showing what I am looking for may be its time to get one of those new 42" HD LCD coupled with a PS3 and then I might say to my self that I am not sexy enough to be in it so it is OK to be on this side, I guess that might show me what I am not looking for. Or is it time to submit to Mr. McPhesto and agree to his vision of watching more Television! Television! Television!